To be fixed- Need Clarity

How are you supposed to fix yourself when your mind doesn't even listen to you?

Gee..first sentence is already very confusing..@_@
I need my shrink, Mimi, i need you, you're the only one who can listen to my pathetic cries and stupid questions, you're the only one who's patient enough and who can sincerely understand and correct me.

Why do i easily get hurt when it comes to what he says, thinks or does? Why does he have to cause me so much pain, and he doesn't even know it...or maybe there's just something wrong with me, with the way i think. I'm too complex that i am even unable to comprehend my crooked logic.

When he fails to do something i hope he'd do, i feel sad. When he doesn't understand me well enough, i can get a bit mad. When he's not as sweet as i expect him to be (which the fact is, he isn't most of the time), i get really disappointed. When i try to step into his world, i feel my knees shaking, and he isn't there to hold my hands and guide me. When he's around with girls (which is like most most most of the time, bec his friends are, hmm..a lot are girls) i get so easily jealous; it could be my insecurity, or it could simply be normal, because he doesn't act like other boyfriends do, oh well, i shouldn't expect much, coz he's not anyway. When he says one thing, and does another, it's simply just frustrating. When my 'understanding' level is up to the brim, i'll just explode, breakdown and get terribly angry.

Why does he make me feel that i'm not good enough? Why do i feel so different from his world? Why does he go out so often with girl friends, even though they're friends, why am i bothered? Even if i close my eyes and turn the other way, there's pain..but why, i don't want to be jealous, but why, and how do i stop myself from feeling the way i do? Why can't he be there for me on the times that i need him...he's there sometimes, but i guess i always want to be taken care of as i always was...Why does he make me feel i'm fat, not pretty enough, not good enough, not everything enough? or is it just me and my psychotic mind?

Would it be better to stay away... I'm tired of crying, i want the tears to stop falling; i want to stop thinking about things that shouldn't really matter...

Have a Heart of Stone

No matter how hard you try, it wouldn't be enough....you'll never be enough. He'll always tend to look at someone else....someone better than you. Yes, you can just breakdown and scream, it wouldn't help, but at least it makes you feel better. She's perfect, you're just full of imperfections; she's pretty, you're just plain ugly; she's skinny, you're just a blob bouncing up and down. She's got everything, you just don't happen to have any of it. How unfortunate, how pitiful, but that's the way how the world goes for you.

You'll never be like the girls he looks at, you'll never be the girl of his dreams, you'll never be his type...so just go on and type on your blog; write how independent you can be, and how you can do without him.

Might as well just give it up, stop trying, you'll just ending up falling hard everytime, you'll just end up all bruised up. Won't it be better to stay focused on something else, than cry a river for someone who keeps on causing all those tears to fall from your eyes.

Why love someone?Why do you have to feel for him?

Independence, and Different Worlds

It's time to learn to stand on your own. People will never really be there for you, no matter how hard you wish for them to be around. When you're sad, angry, emotionally screwed up, nonchalant, or even on your happy moments, you'll be there alone, just you and yourself. Learn to be alone, for that is all you'll be for quite a long time..alone. Even if they'll want to care, they won't be there. Even if they'll try to be around, they won't be present on the moments you need them, unfortunately, it is the truth and a fact that might never change...

Sometimes two worlds could be too different. Or maybe it could just be a process of fitting in...but then again, how will you make the ends meet? How will you grow comfortable with the other world's friends, family and interests, on the other hand, how will you show your world? I guess it would just need some time for the worlds to connect, but then again, it might never happen too..

Sloppy Jane

I went back home for a week and man! It wasn't enough, not even for a bit of rest. Must maximize time to spend with family and friends and to-do's. My baby angel Aki has grown so fast, and I'm sure she'll seem to grow even faster after a year. sigh...I'll be missing a lot of things back home, but i'm sure good things shall come my way even in a different land.=) " A Lifetime is not enough to spend with the family" You'll never know you'll miss them until you're far away from them.

Psychotic, stubborn, anxious, paranoid is ME. What can i do about how my mind thinks, I don't know either..It's involuntary i guess, like my heart that chooses to beat for someone..

Work has been tiring ever since i came back from home, no day off from 2nd April til' 19th April..ha! long days...loooonnnggg stressful days. Moreso adjusting to a new job assignment as a service crew. But my prayer has been granted, haha..I've always wanted to try working as a kitchen staff and as a service crew. Now, I guess it's time to work hard and prove myself worthy.

From 153 lbs - 2nd April to 136 lbs 20th April...I'm trying my best to lose the excess baggage gained from emotional eating (when depressed), but still hoping i won't go extremes and call back my eating disorder into activation again. PRESS "SKINNY", "CHUBBY", "WEIGHTY" TO ACTIVATE.haha..and I guess it's on now. sigh...so hard to overcome...but i'm sure it'll come to pass.

Bless is a Plain Jane no more...rather she's now a Messy Jane..haha..really got to fix the photo files, music files and some more stuffs i transferred from the home desktop PC.

What can I like about myself??...i have yet to find that out...

Uni's Ark

I am told to build an ark..my own ark..to bear the toil of hardwork..building for long hours, for a long long time..uncertain of how long the duration of building it could be. Moreso, I don't know for sure, would there really be continuous rains to come? What assurance do I have, if I don't see for myself the bluprint of things to happen. I need to see the plans to believe..but I guess, if I am to build an ark like that of Noah's, I have to be like him...who just obeyed, without hesitation of any sort, and followed the instructions of the Ultimate. Then maybe later on, I would see it, not as bearing the toil of hardwork, but as reaping the rewards of hard labor. I'll surely be blessed...as long as I follow the leading, read the Manual, live the life He leads me to.

No brakes

I thought i was responsible enough to make the right decisions..but i guess I'm still vulnerable to make, not necessarily wrong ones, but they're not the most right things. I'll step on the brakes when really needed, and although I didn't do so this time, I will the next time. For the reason that I don't want me, or the passenger to crash anytime soon. That would sure be horrible.haha.

Never listen only to what your emotions tell you, listen to your brain as well. Weigh the things whether it's more inclined towards the good side or the bad side of the balance. If you're not sure, take your time to find out, don't rush things. Take time to think things through, until you're sober enough to rationalize properly. They don't say 'do not drink and drive' for no reason at all..for if you are drunk, you won't be able to drive safely..same thing with anything else, be sure you're not 'drunk' with cloudy judgment caused by mere emotions and feelings, when you're driving in the road of life where you currently are.

Nonetheless...I will drive on, until I reach our final destination...not stepping on the brakes, but driving with a sound mind and just driving slowly...

The Visitor, the heavy rain and a movie

It's the old Uni, visiting in Singapore...taking a run in the park, (showered with heavy rain - something new), dressing up, fixing up the hair, the tralala Uni going out for movies, just dining out and being carefree..Even just for a day, it's nice to see her again. Tomorrow, she'll be gone again, and it's back to black polo, jeans and sneakers, and bunned hair. Work work work girl, get more scars and you'll get a better job soon, haha. Don't worry about scars, because someone will see pass through those and see you..=)

Running in the park while being showered with heavy rains felt nice. no umbrella, no money, no hp, no nothing! Just catching all the raindrops. It felt nice aftewards, felt refreshed and like all my worries were washed away. While waited for the really really heavy rain to subdue, I took the time to pray, and realized that I haven't been fully focused on God...So at that time, I had nothing, nothing, no one else, but God. and it felt great, knowing that He never leaves. Dark clouds over me, rain pouring on me, but still He never lets me go, literally and figuratively. Walking home with my clothes and sneakers all wet and squeaky, it was quite embarassing when people looked at me, but who cares anyway?haha, I'm going home wet yet with a renewed mind. (just hope i won't get sick)

He's Just Not That Into You..who invented the rules anyway, why are there rules and exceptions. why do girls become so pathetic and desperate, why do guys act stupid? The world goes round and round and i guess it'll never change. haha. Haven't watched movies of the category for almost a year now. Maybe was just avoiding the fact that I am one of them girls, desperate for a special person, or don't want to watch so that i won't feel the want/need for companionship...Whatever it is, I watched one for the night, and felt safe all throughout. Fell asleep, but just for a moment, and it was in the safest place in Singapore..hahahaha. Love Actually is definitely better.